Wednesday, October 21, 2009
This is Rihanna's new single, Russian Roulette. When listening to the words I go back to 10 years ago when I was holding that gun to my head. From a domestic violence victim to another, these words speak to me. 10 years ago, I had my life flash before my eyes. It is a scary situation that opens your eyes. I never thought I would be in this type of situation but all the signs were there and I just ignored them. From experience I can tell you, they never change. You are better than that and you deserve better. It took me a long time after to realize that was true. I went from being on the dean's list in college, with a full time job to engaged, pregnant, and abused. The mental abuse is what kills me. Even after all these years I can remember all the words, mockeries, and gestures made towards me. And I know if you are not in this world you ask, why stay there? I will tell you that when you are in this world nothing is the same. You battle with yourself (brain), and your emotions (heart). I fell in love with this man, mind, body, and soul. He took it all and used it to his advantage. They take you to a low like never before, and you don't see things like other people do. I was always strong willed and minded and no-one could do me any harm. All my friends and family were shocked when this happened. No one had ever had this much control over me. And when I fell, I fell hard many times. But only until the last time did I really realize all that I was giving up. I realized I had my son to fight for and live for. I fought and fought hard. And I never looked back. There were many times when I had looked back before and that's when I would break and take him back. But taking him back was worse every time.
10 years ago, I stopped looking back. I put that gun down, and I ran. I ran away from all the evil, and rage. If you are in a situation, get help, find a friend, and get out. Let it be the first and last. Never look back. My friends were always there before, during, and after. If not for you, but for your kids. My son doesn't remember the fighting, and yelling. And now I know he never has to. Love yourself enough to let go. It won't be an easy road, I know. There will be days were the tears won't stop flowing, but then comes a rainbow. If you need a friend to talk to and there isn't anyone you can talk to, call or get information here:
U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.
Posted by independent mami at 8:43 AM